Every year I select a word/statement from my “Rule of Life” to focus on and grow in. This year my word of focus is “Barak” a Hebrew word that roughly translates as “to bend the knee” or “humbly submit” in reverence to God. It also carries a meaning of kneeling to lift up others. My take – it’s a word that means lowering myself to posture in a place of support for those around me – to serve, strengthen and lift others up.
One of the ways I’m practicing and living out “Barak” is by changing my rhythms in our home at the end of the day. Over the years I’ve fallen into a routine of ending the day of work, walking in the door, doing the things (dinner, dishes, bedtime routines, etc…) and sitting down as soon as I am able. Additionally, I would typically get irritated when I’d sit down and need to get up to help either wife or son (how is it that we run out of toilet paper at exactly the same time I get the chance to sit?).
In reflecting over the year – I realized something. I was always the first to sit down. Always. As I’d sit and let go of the responsibility of the day my wife would work to wrap up a few last items before bedtime prayers and, finally, after the quiet of the night came – she would sit and do whatever work she had left to accomplish before she was too tired to go on. She was always the last one to sit down. Always. That had to change.
I’ve determined to be the last one to sit down. On the inaugural night of this new normal something cool and beautiful occurred. While I prepped coffee for the morning, folded towels and cleaned the table for the next day my wife sat down (first) snuggled our son, and watched “Bluey.” They laughed, she took deep breaths, and a unique calm seemed to wash over her. Our son went to bed with little argument (crazy) and I didn’t experience any of my typical frustrations or short temper moments in the midst of his pre sleep antics. I wasn’t in a hurry or in a need to rush through the bedtime moments.
One small shift changed multiple aspects of our evening outcomes. Additionally, it changed our morning outcomes too. My wife and I had more time to talk about the day, our lives, our plans, and more. Since the coffee was prepped and everything set – our morning felt slower and less stressful. We all left on time and with none of our typical frenzy.
The biggest revelation for me is that my selfishness was creating a significant, negative ripple in the evenings and mornings of our days. Though its difficult to admit, I’d convinced myself that my working hard was justification enough for me sitting down first. In reality my wife works equally as hard and, moreover, carries more than her fair share of our family’s needs. Roughly 15-20 minutes of intentional effort on my part translated to the equivalent of my wife’s rest and even more of a relief to her mental load.
I won’t say that it’s the “magic bullet” to all our family’s tensions, but it’s already making a difference in ways I couldn’t have foreseen. Here’s my questions for you: Are you the first one to sit down in your household? What would it look like for you to change that? It might change more than you think.
Josh Zoerhof 